How are you feeling?

Today was a good day for me. It was at least better than yesterday. Yesterday I received news that my best friend had decided to take her own life.

The news kind of went like this…

I received a text message from another friend (A).
A: Can I call you?
Me: Why? What’s up?
A: Bad News.

I decided to call him right then and there. I knew it was one of two things. Regrettably, it was my girlfriend. My mind was running at this point. It was literally going a mile a minute because I knew it could have been 1 of 3 things, and of those three things, one of the options was suicide. I don’t like to think like that but lately I was feeling down. I didn’t know why but I was just feeling crappy. I wish I should have called her. I also wished I could have went in to go see her last week while she was at work. I also wish she would have texted me that week. I also wish she would have texted me that day/night she was planning to do it. I wish I could have done something but there is nothing I could have done.

This isn’t the first friend I lost to suicide. Sadly. So, I kind have learned how to deal with death whether it is suicide or natural causes. I grew up around death a lot. I remember going to a lot of funerals. It wasn’t that a lot of my family members had died. Death within an Aboriginal community isn’t just a family matter, it is a community matter. I made the conscious decision not to attend anymore funerals when I was around 18 years old. I would only attend them unless I absolutely had to like do a speech or something.

I am sitting here writing this and I am thinking about all the fun times me and my girlfriend, Michelle had shared. I remember when I first came to London, Ontario, everyone had told me about her. As soon as we met, we almost instantly got along. We would share memories by living together, living beside each other, living away from each other, and finally when we both lost contact with each other, getting together and laughing like we had never parted. After I moved to Toronto for school, I didn’t think I would see her again because right before that she moved up north to be with her mom. She didn’t leave contact information–but that’s Michelle, always on the go, always doing something, but always ready to come back. When I had moved to Toronto, I didn’t really leave any contact information either except when I decided to go back to the place we originally became friends. That following week, I received a call from another friend. She stated that Michelle was back in London and she was pregnant. I didn’t believe it. This was the last call I was expecting to receive. I really didn’t think that I would see her again. That following weekend, I bought a bus ticket to London and immediately went back to that place. I asked another friend if he had seen Michelle. He replied, “Yeah she is around here somewhere.” I immediately ran to the bathroom, then to the smoking area, and then back outside the back door. She was nowhere. I decided to sit back down and talk to another friend asking her if she had seen Michelle. She replied, “Yeah, she went outside.” I just said, “No she couldn’t have because I just come from there.” I decided to stick around for a bit more. Then all of a sudden the door opened and I saw Michelle! I screamed out her name and I ran up to her to give her a hug like we normally do when we would see each other. We talked a bit and we were both excited about her pregnancy. She was glowing and really happy. I tried to be there for the birth of her baby boy, Taylor, but the hospital only allowed family. We both ended up getting a place close together and we would hang out. I remember when she let me hold Taylor for the first time: I was so nervous I could barely even move. When I received the call from the friend yesterday, it was not the call that I was expecting. I know that I can’t go back to the place where we first became friends to see your face again. I know the place you are gone to, that you are not coming back again. I know that I won’t be able to make anymore happy memories with you again. Yet, I will cherish those memories that we had made together while you were here. Only you had the best music, the best movies, and the best one-liners. I am praying that Michelle has found the peace that she had always been searching for… I will miss her.

RIP Michelle R. — This post is dedicated to you, your friends, your family, and most importantly your son… may they cherish the happy memories they made with you too!

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