I previously posted today about a book that I just recently finished. This book really hit home for me because I could relate. In a dark way, I had attempted suicide just like the author. On a lighter side, I used to hope for love. Again, just like the author.

Today, I decided to write a poem. Poems really work for me. I never really paid much attention to them until I realized that I could get how I felt out on paper. Even if nobody understood what I was trying to say or even if nobody read them, it just felt good.

Also I write this poem because of World Suicide Prevention Day that occurred this weekend. I thought about going to this but then I didn’t think it was really all that constructive for me. This being that I still missed my those close to me who died because of suicide. I probably should have went. I maybe could have met some people who were in similar situations but gathered positive support. Anyways, I wrote this poem in also memory of a medicine man whom I met right after my first attempted suicide. He has passed and I sometimes miss him.

I write this poem because of what the medicine man said to me after I visited with him. He told me that people who die by suicide are left in limbo. I had no idea what limbo meant. I was thinking he meant the cool party game and was thinking “What the!?! What is this man saying talking about limbo.” I asked my mom after I met with him what limbo was because, I added, that’s where Adam told me I would have went. She told me it was a dark place here on earth. Neither heaven or hell. I didn’t believe in either heaven or hell to begin with but all of a sudden I knew what this medicine man was talking about and it wasn’t a cool party game anymore.

Here is the poem I wrote today after collecting my thoughts over the course of reading the book by Yvonne Johnson and reflecting on her experiences and my own.

Please note, this is not a cry for help this just a way to express what was given to me: what I thought death was and what I was taught where suicide would put me. I understand that each person has their own opinions and views, this is just a way for me to share what I was taught. To those that I lost to suicide or self-inflicted deaths, I pray that they are not stuck in “limbo” like the medicine man had said. I pray that they are in a better place.

If you feel suicidal or have thoughts of harming yourself or wanting to die, please call your local distress line, suicide prevention lifeline, or kids help phone.

My heart bleeds red
My tears run dry
The pain is real
I just want to die
I pray to the Creator
to take me in my own sleep
Right in my own bed
To wake up in heaven
just like my friend
I wonder what people will say
When I wake up dead
My message to them:
Don’t be angry
Don’t wonder why
My pain will be gone
Just like my friend
Then I met Him.
He told me,
I will be gone but
I will be wandering
Right beside my friend
My heart will not bleed but
I won’t have to hide
There will be no heaven
No creator by my side
Each time it rains
My tears will not run dry
Here on earth
Wandering all alone
Right beside my friend
Nobody will see me
And my pain won’t be gone
My pain will live on through
My family and friends
My own pain, my own death,
My suicide.

Again, If you feel suicidal or have thoughts of harming yourself or wanting to die, please call your local distress line, suicide prevention lifeline, or kids help phone.