I don’t know what to feel and I don’t know what to write but all I know is that I need to write.
I thought my previous post would be my last on this space. I am not entirely certain anymore. This space is a space for me to write, reflect, heal, learn and share.
When I was about 18 years old, I tried to kill myself. I did so many times. Except this time, it was different. I was in my first adult psychiatric hospital. It was not so much different than a children’s psychiatric hospital or a children’s psychiatric hospital wing. It was still cold and dead inside. No colour, no scent but the scent of bleach. I was on 24 hour watch. So, they had me in this padded room with a small window on the door and a small window on the wall. The window didn’t look outside. The window was there, facing the nurses’ station. I remember the colour of the padded walls. An awful muddy, brown-green.
During this time, my dad came to visit me. He was often the only one who could or did because my sisters were in school or away to school, and my mom was either working or taking care of the house. We often didn’t talk when he visited. We just sat next to each other in silence. Sometimes he would hug me and sometimes he watch me draw or write in my book–I always had a pad of paper with me (my dad was the one who brought the pad of papers usually). This one visit, though, sticks out in my memory clearly.
My dad came to visit me when I was in this “padded room.” I can’t remember if we talked. I know that we hugged and I cried. I don’t know if he cried or got teary eyed. Maybe he did. He sat next to me on the bed. My spiral notebook (the pad of paper) sat on the “hospital bed tables” (you know, the tables that roll up over your lap so you can eat without leaving bed). He reached over to the table and he opened the book. He opened to a blank page and he wrote the words, “Everything will be ok.” I leaned into him, he hugged me and I cried.
At that moment, I didn’t think or believe everything would be okay but I am glad I made it through those trying times. Today, I am sitting in an airport and I am on my way to see him in the hospital. Even though I am uncertain of the outcome, I know that everything will be ok.
Everything will be ok.