What next?

I sit here writing this post with great sadness. I don’t know if it is sadness knowing that all good things come to an end or if it is sadness because of things I am dealing with on a personal level.

My last post indicated that I was going to visit my father in the hospital. I arrived Friday and he died Monday at 6:00 AM—True to his form, on time and prompt, first thing in the morning on the first day of the week.

I have lost many great friends and people whom I loved to sudden deaths, and sometimes violent and tragic deaths. My relationship with death is different than many of those who are around me. I’ve come to accept it as a natural part of life and I used to think that this acceptance also meant it would help with my grieving. But nothing can prepare you for the loss of a parent.

Two days ago marked the last of my law school classes. I didn’t know or ever plan to go to law school. I know when I was younger that I wanted to be a lawyer. I didn’t know what a lawyer did. I was in elementary school and I just wanted to be like my older sister. So, if she wanted to be a lawyer, I wanted to be a lawyer too!

Life works in mysterious and funny ways. Just weeks before I was called to go to Toronto, to visit my dad in the hospital, I sent my dad graduation photos. I wanted to surprise him and give him one for Christmas. Now, I am stuck with these photos (lol).

People ask if you are okay but you don’t know if you are okay because what you are experiencing is “normal” or if you are just okay for the sake of saying okay. I know that I must continue to move on and continue to grieve in my own way. I wake up each day, asking myself, “What next?” I only know what comes next because I planned for it and I didn’t plan to grieve the loss of my father. My father was someone I reached out to on the weekends with a small text, “Can we talk dad?” His reply was alway positive. Of course, he would chat with me. Whenever we end the conversation, I always felt a little more at ease; I received the advice I needed; and, I could go on with the rest of my day and approach things with a little more clarity. But now, I walk around and it feels like I have a million different things pulling and grabbing my attention, demanding my time and energy; I just want a moment for me… to determine what next. 

I wish I could chat with my dad just one more time.

At some point, I want to put this blog to rest. I want to focus on myself and I want to focus on my family. This blog, like all good things, is something that must come to an end. And, even though it is a small space on the internet, I know that this has become part of my identity, kwe today. But, I want to move on and you know, that’s kind of sad too. I met so many great people who read my writings, who shared my writings, and who looked to my writing for inspiration. I’m not sure what will happen next but I know that what ever comes next will be what’s best for me.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to find ways to grieve in my own way and heal from this loss and pain.

Baamaapii Waabishkaa Binesi (William “Bill” Thomas Sayers).

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4 thoughts on “What next?

  1. oh my girl…. this is so beautiful put and you’re right…. I find myself saying that “I’m okay” just for the sake of it and I’m told that everything I feel no matter what it is, is apparently normal…it’s how I’m supposed to feel during this time… Love you my girl oxo

  2. My heart goes out to you and your family. What a terrible loss.

    Sometimes big deaths bring about transitions and changes in other areas of life too. As a former sex worker I am one of your blog readers who has looked to you for inspiration and shared with others, and so appreciate all the time, energy and care you put into sharing your writing in this way. If you are feeling it’s time to end the blog and do other things, then all that can be said is gratitude, thank you for helping lift people up, and sharing what you’re learning. I hope you have much love and support around for whatever direction you take next.

    Best wishes,

    Joshua

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